Crack Fic: InterUniverse Travel Incorporated II
by Hugger-Of-Trees
Summary: Maladict gets plonked onto Serenity this time. It's just a jump to the left. A little step to the right. With your hands on your hips, and your characters in a dimension jump fic. Let's do the Time Warp again!
1. When in Space

**Crack!Fic: Inter-Universe Travel Incorporated II (Firefly)**

_I can give no acceptable explanation or apologise enough. Originally I said in my defence that I present this as a warning to future writers in that one should never let the plot bunnies afflicted with myxomatosis breed. Never. Shoot them on sight. Unfortunately not only did they breed but they also mutated. I'm sorry._

**Summary:** It's just a jump to the left. A little step to the right. With your hands on your hips, and your characters in a dimension jump fic. Let's do the Time Warp again!

**Pairings:** Discworld: Polly/Mal, Firefly: Only those that are canon.

**Warnings:** Readers unfamiliar with Discworld might want to read the introductory paragraphs in the first crossover before continuing. This crazy episode takes place before the BDM, somewhere in the middle of the TV season. Otherwise nothing really, but it is crack!fic so insanity and forced Narativium inhalation do occur. Oh, and mild swearing.

**Disclaimer:** Author owns nothing and does not intend to profit from the work. Characters from Monstrous Regiment belong to Terry Pratchett and those from Firefly belong to the Joss Whedon and possibly Fox as well? The latter don't deserve them.

~X~

**When In Space…**

Serenity flew undisturbed through the black. Outside everything was perfectly peaceful, inside… not so much. No one was chasing them, no one was waiting for them with uncomfortable questions and for once all the paperwork for the cargo was in order. He should have known, though Mal, swearing fluently though the flow of cursive did nothing to aid his mood. Just by the law of averages this would be the day his load took the idea to go walking off into the shadowy corners of his cargo hold. He stretched his back, looking up to the hull of his beloved ship three stories above. The graceful curves of her generally quietened his mind but they were not having their usual effect today and he angrily called again for Jayne to get his _goram_ lazy butt down to the hold and tie off the crates properly like he should have done in the first place.

Zoe, years of experience allowing her to let the ranting words wash over her like the windblown sands of many a border planet, reached out to grab the swinging comms as it narrowly missed her head.

"Wash honey? We've found the problem. Loose cargo is all. Keep her steady for a set longer while we get it all tied down. Cap'n's getting a mite tetchy dancing the waltz with five-ton crates."

Mal didn't get to hear his pilot's reply. Turning, his only intent to bring his second-in-command to task for daring to criticise his waltzing technique, he found himself enveloped in blinding blue light. There was a tug at his stomach, the world yanked sideways suddenly and he lost his footing -falling into nothingness, the whirling sensation bringing on a wave of nausea. It lasted only a few seconds and then he felt solid ground beneath his feet once again. Opening his eyes at last after the sickness had passed he blinked to see he was no longer surrounded by the safe enveloping walls of his familiar firefly. Instead he found he was stood on a balcony outside what looked to be a very posh building, music drifting through the lighted windows and a young blonde woman in uniform staring at him, startled but unafraid.

~X~

"Gotcha. Slow and steady as she goes." Wash's voice crackled through the intercom and Zoe allowed herself a quick smile, straightening her face before turning back to her grumpy captain.

The flash of blue light caused her to raise an arm to shield her eyes and when she looked again Mal was gone and a slim figure in a tuxedo was dropping the last 2 ft to land with a slam on their back on the grated floor of the hold.

Their new passenger looked around for a moment, startled but not perhaps as surprised as Zoe might expect someone to be if they'd just found themselves on a firefly out in the deep black. Neither did she seem as respectful as Zoe might wish to the shotgun thrust interrogatively under her nose.

~X~

Polly stood completely still. The interestingly modern looking mini crossbow the ruffian had produced in fluid reflex held her complete attention. For all the inconvenience she found herself taking a moment to admire his technique as he kept the point constantly moving, covering both her and the opened window that led from the balcony back into the ballroom.

Now would not be a good time to do something foolish. He was obviously a trained fighter and she was unarmed. She would have to talk her way out of this one and without Mal's lightning quick reflexes on her side to cool any tension floating around she wasn't going to begin negotiations until he'd finished checking out the immediate vicinity and concluded there was no current threat.

He took his time but she waited patiently for him to settle. Standing there, hands raised just enough to show a lack of intent to harm, she used the time to go over the shopping list, the laundry list and finally the procedures she'd have to put in play in order to meet the latest directive sent down from high command. Eventually he decided both the doorway and the ornamental garden below the balcony held no danger and turned the weapon on her as he demanded an explanation.

"Er. Hello?" Polly raised her hands a little higher. "Not armed here! Perhaps we could dispense with the weaponry at the _Lady Sybil Annual Charity Ball and Toff-Shuffle_? I'm not sure it's good etiquette."

He frowned and she held her breath, hoping she hadn't been wrong in her assessment earlier. But after giving her a thorough once over he replaced the weapon in its holster attached to his leg.

"Thank you." She really must ask him about that later, she thought, Mini-crossbows were a bugger to carry slung over your shoulder, especially when on sorties with full packs.

"I hate balls." He frowned, running a hand through his hair. "Keep getting stabbed."

"You try waving that thing around again and I'll make sure of that."

That got his attention. He gave her another top to toe assessment, his hand drifting once again to rest on the weapon. In return she waggled her still raised hands attempting to achieve through interpretive dance the phrase "_I will not harm you at this precise minute, but cross me and I'll have your head off before you can say Dragon-Benefit-Bash_." It was one she'd practiced on Mal any number of times and she thought she was getting the hang of it. His facial expression said otherwise. She gave up and opted for words instead.

"Would you like a drink?"

The look of confusion induced by interpretive dance had obviously decided to settle in for the evening.

"It's quite simple. I pop inside, refresh this glass and find you a beer (his Grace is very strict about catering for all tastes), come back out and attempt to explain the current crazy situation to you so that we can come up with a simple and foolproof plan to set it all to rights. Sound good?"

"How likely is it that you'll wander on inside, whistle up a handful of _jun ren_ and y'all come back out again to toss me over the edge of this balcony into the _huey_ I see laid out so artful below?"

"If by _jun ren_ you mean the Watch, there's a small possibility I may feel the urge to do that, yes. But it's really not large enough for you to worry about right now, considering the rest of the mess you're in. And the beer is good."

She waited and then taking his silence for assent slipped back into the ballroom. Weaving her way through the crush she took a minute to whisper an explanatory paragraph in the ear of the Borogravian Attaché. Major Clogson, though definitely mightier with the pen than the sword, was a good friend and more importantly owed her more than one favour. When she eventually slid back through the diaphanous curtains wafting in the breeze onto the balcony (she could see now why Mal had wanted to come out here in the first place) she found her new companion leaning over the balustrade examining the stonework beneath.

"It's not really solid enough to climb down. I'm told His Grace has had the house insured against edificers."

He spun round and she offered a beer to his surprised self. Taking it he sniffed at the bottle with suspicion before obviously deciding that you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and taking a large swallow. After waiting a generous period of time to check he hadn't been poisoned, he looked at her over the bottle with new respect in his eyes.

"You were right. This here is some damn fine _jio jing_." He savoured the taste for a moment, memories in the bubbles. "Ain't tasted beer like that since 'fore the war."

"Polly Perks." She offered a hand.

"Malcolm Reynolds."

His handshake was firm, roughened calluses on his palm speaking of a life not protected from the more mundane tasks of destiny. She wondered what he was reading from her palm as she read his, and as his lips twitched realised he was reading more from her reading of him than she was from his handshake. She dropped his hand abruptly. This one would bear watching.

"And when were you in the army Mr Reynolds?" Leaning on the balustrade next to him she granted him the privacy of her gaze, looking instead out over the city lights twinkling down toward the river. "Not so long ago I'm thinking, the way you were acting just then."

"Seems like a lifetime ago. Long before you started to work your way up through the ranks." She could feel his gaze counting off the bars on the sleeve of her dress uniform. "What are you? A sub-lieutenant?"

"First actually. The extra half stripe, see?" She pointed it out; glad now that Mal had reminded her to send the jacket back when it had arrived without her hard earned insignia. "How far did you get?"

"I only made Sergeant. They stopped the whole _hu wai yun dong_ before I got up to full speed."

It seemed the memories that brought him were not as pleasant and she felt a momentary regret for bringing them up. Recalling old techniques that worked on other companions with a penchant for occasional melancholy she leant in towards him and gave his shoulder a nudge.

"Then it seems that I outrank you Sergeant Reynolds."

He gave her a look.

"Mr Reynolds?"

"Can't you just call me Mal?" He saw a flicker of something unreadable flash over the face that up till now had only shown amusement, with the occasional drawing down of an eyebrow in thought as they sparred together.

"No." She turned away from him, hunching a shoulder to draw up the barrier between them. "I couldn't call you that. Sorry."

He gave her a minute and she needed no longer. But when she turned back to him her face was locked away into seriousness again, the dancing light in her eyes gone as though it had never existed.

"How about Captain" he asked gently, trying to get her back. "I've got a ship and everythin' so it counts. Best _goram_ ship in the 'verse."

He'd managed to choke a laugh out of her at any rate.

"I think I could manage that Captain" and she managed to dredge up the basic elements of a smile. As he clinked his bottle with hers he made a mental note that she really was pretty when she smiled.

The distant sounds of an over enthusiastic reveller throwing up in the bushes disturbed the quiet and drifting on the breeze they heard the muffled shrieks of a debutant doing her best to get herself ruined before her chaperone woke up and came to find her. Captain Reynolds, having finished his beer, thought it time to return to the main topic of conversation for the evening.

"So." He placed the empty bottle carefully on the stone between them. "What's going then?"

"Well, every year, around this time, the Duchess of Ankh Morpork throws this big charity ball for the great and good and slightly tarnished. This year, some idiot secretary fell for the worst coercion technique in the history of the disc and I ended up on the plus one list of distinction."

He gave her a look. It was a good look, with well developed nuances, indicating a number of years experience in the giving of looks to folk who threatened to meander over the border into the territory of aggravating behaviour.

"Oh." She took a slow deliberate sip from her glass. "You mean about the inter-dimensional travel, dragging you from wherever you were so recently happily employed as a scruffy extra to this delightful spot thereby depriving me of my date for the evening?"

"Yes. That." His brain stumbled a little as he tried to weave his way through her phrasing, but living around River had smartened him up some.

"_That_ is slightly more complicated." She had presented him with her profile again, preferring to address her statement to the long-suffering lights of the city sprawled out before them.

"Complicated how?" He frowned in sudden worry. "Complicated in that I still get to go home, right?"

"Complicated in that at the moment I don't know. But as I fully intend to get back _M…_ -the person you were swapped with- you can trust me that I'll be doing everything in _my_ power to get you home."

He nodded, reassured, his thoughts taking a detour into wondering how long this process of getting swapped back might take and what there might be to do in the meantime. She may have been pretty when she smiled, but she was even prettier when she was being serious.

"And stop thinking it." She smirked. "I am more than out of your league."

~X~

Maladict was a vampire. Vampires were bred to meet new situations with verve and _joie du vie_. They were bred to adapt. Thus it was that she looked up past the large strange looking crossbow into the stern eyes of the tall Amazon and swore profusely.

"Not again. I was at a party!"

Zoe resisted the urge to tighten her grip on the shotgun. Her Captain was missing, a stranger in his place and as yet she'd been given no reason to lower the weapon, but that was still no reason to be hasty. Thankfully at that moment Jayne, responding to the earlier demands for his presence, appeared at her shoulder.

"More dead people in boxes?" Taking in the tableau he reached for his gun as well, always ready to shoot first and ask questions of the corpse later. But before she could reply Wash's voice crackled out of the intercom.

"What the hell was that?" The sensors just went wild up here. Zoe? _Zoe!_ Are you ok?"

Things were getting more crowded by the minute. The noise accompanying the flash had been so loud it had echoed throughout the ship. Simon, thinking Jayne had shot himself in the leg again, came at a run from infirmary with Book not far behind. Before long there was what seemed like a crowd of people all standing clustered around the new arrival. All looking at Maladict. All displaying a range of expressions from confusion to exceeding displeasure.

Sensing this was the optimum moment Maladict produced her most disarming smile and ventured to start the introductions.

"Good evening, so sorry for dropping in on you like this, lovely weather we've been having hmm? Do let me introduce myself, Maladict at your service. Distinguished Sergeant in the Borogravian Light Infantry. And you might be?"

"We might be the people that are currently holding the guns." Jayne was never one for small talk.

Unable to nudge him and keep the visitor covered Zoe made do with shooting a quelling look in his direction and with a scowl he reluctantly allowed her to take the floor.

"What are you doing on my ship?" Might as well get the big questions out of the way first.

"Ah yes." Their visitor looked like she might attempt to sit up, but relaxed back as Zoe refused to move the shotgun out of her way. "That's the thing you see, it's mostly an accident. I mean I didn't intend to end up on your ship _per se_. Didn't actually intend to travel at all. It's kind of complicated. Yes. _Anyway_. It's mostly magic. Hence the blue light. Do you have magic here?"

Book reached for the intercom and quietly reassured the still frantic Wash that everything was fine, they just had another crazy person on board.

"I shouldn't be here long, obviously last time it took a little longer to get everything straightened out, but this time we were in Ankh Morpork already. At a party - hence the tuxedo. Incidentally could I get up? These trousers were very expensive."

The cold looks bent upon her in response to her hopeful enquiry were answer enough. Maladict shrugged, accepted their well made point and stayed where she was.

"Anyway, Polly just has to get to UU, kick the wizards into action and I'll be out of your hair. Job done. Shouldn't be more than a couple of hours and you'll have your guy back safe and sound."

Looking up at all the weaponry pointed in her direction, Mal decided not to explain the additional bit regarding the tendency towards nakedness of the returning party.

"…_Shall I tell you of the night? It was long ago,  
Late November and the snow, just about to fall…"_

"Gwai-gwai long duh dong? !!"

It was Jayne that swore and looking up they saw River hanging over the upper landing, hair falling loosely around her face. Inara came running out of the shuttle behind her, brush in hand.

"River sweetie? What is it?"

But the girl paid no attention to them, her concentration solely on the visitor sitting in the middle of the cargo bay. Her song drifted down to the cluster of folks staring up at her, falling gently through the echoing space of the hold.

"_Softly, swiftly down the road -  
never mad a sound-  
someone came from far away…"_

_Maladict knew that song_. It was an old memory, by the feel of it not one of her own. Ancient knowledge carrying with it the bite of chill air, drifting scents of wood-smoke and a reedy voice lifted up in song. Old wife's tales they called them, the songs about her kind that long ago folks told amongst themselves in warning. How had this girl, younger than Maladict by the looks of her, come by such a song? It was obviously unknown here, the girl's shipmates unable to recognise it for what it was, treating her cautionary tune with resigned bewilderment rather than the alarm Mal was used to precipitating.

This girl was definitely worth a second look.

But Maladict didn't get a chance to continue that thought as another distraction presented itself when another, more dishevelled girl arrived in a rush, her green baggy overalls coming to a halt a few seconds after she did. How many people had they managed to fit into this strange boat anyway?

"Wait Kaylee." Book caught the new arrival as she ran past.

"What's happening?" She struggled for a moment in his hold. "_Mal…?_"

"Yes?"

The minute she spoke Maladict realised her mistake as weapons that had been allowed to drift away from their target were re-aimed with some urgency.

"Oh." This was going to make things awkward. "I assume from this," her nonchalant wave encompassed both weaponry and displeased expressions pointed in her general direction, "that your lost companion goes by the name Mal as well?"

Book nodded.

"Where is he? Where's the Captain? What's happened?" The girl they called Kaylee may have stopped struggling, but her frantic questions indicated she wouldn't stay still for long.

Maladict lay immobile watching the wide barrel that was pointed exclusively at her. The Amazon had a very steady hand. That, coupled with an expression of calm intent even when the others were distracted explaining to Kaylee about blue lights, was sending signals loud and clear to Mal's hindbrain. Even vampires had instincts about faces like that. What with the weaponry and the voices speaking out of the air and the singing kid and the overwhelmingly large number of people now staring at her she was starting to feel slightly unsettled.

There was only one thing to be done. She didn't want to do it, but as Polly had said that time they had agreed never to mention again, sometimes a vampire had to take one for the team. She raised her hands, hoping it indicated surrender even in this crazy place.

"You people got any coffee?"

"Coffee?" That was Kaylee.

"You don't have coffee?"

"What's coffee?" Kaylee again.

Mal sighed. This was not going to be a good day.

~X~

"This is the Unseen University."

Captain Reynolds looked up at the imposing masonry with an appreciative gaze. You didn't get old money like this out on the rim. This was _wei fong_. He had no better idea where he was, Perks had tried to explain and he'd tried to understand but she talked like Kaylee when she was needing new parts, all words he didn't understand and in the end he'd just asked her to tell him if he was in immediate danger and leave the rest to those that had the book smarts to follow it. She'd shrugged and agreed.

Following her through this town he thought it mighty familiar for all he was apparently not only the other side of the verse but in a different dimension as well. Seemed like all places were the same when you got up close, he'd fit right in here.

"Now remember what I said. Let me do the talking, don't threaten anyone and please please please don't call anyone whatever it was you said about that merchant."

"I was complimenting him on his pies!"

"Yes well, that's as maybe. But _personally_ I don't think I have the energy to run that fast, that far twice in one night so don't do it again." She turned to the porter now visible through the gap in the gate.

"High Energy Magic building please – Lieutenant Perks to see Mr Stibbons. He's expecting me."

~X~

The grating was starting to get personal with her anatomy and Mal shifted position uncomfortably. Since her remark about the coffee and their accompanying incomprehension they'd all been stuck in this odd stalemate. No one had moved except River, who wandered down the stairs weaving in and out of the tableau. Mal watched her idly in an attempt to ignore the hefty weaponry pointed in her direction but as the girl approached her expression of quiet amusement hardened into something a lot more ugly. Mal didn't read minds as a general rule, finding the inconsequentialities that humans occupied their thoughts with distasteful (plus Polly had _had words_). But this mind didn't present like anything she'd seen before. It niggled at the edge of her attention, reminding her of someone until she turned to look properly and felt the chill horror dribble down her spine as she saw the full extent of man's inhumanity. This mind had been torn open, ripped apart against its owner's will, private internal workings cruelly offered to any stranger passing by. She could taste the shape of it from across the room.

"Would you mind telling me which one of you _sick bastards_ has been having fun with our friend here?"

She got up slowly from the floor. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Zoe and Jayne raising their guns but ignored them. They were no threat, she'd sniffed out the projectiles they were carrying and there was no silver there. An air of quiet menace exuded out into the air around her as she rose to her full height. To the right she clocked Simon stepping forward after River who had now reached the floor of the cargo hold and was making her way toward the now obviously angry figure isolated in the middle. Mal flashed him some teeth and he halted, shocked.

"_Shhh…_" River began to circle around the stranger. "_Confusion, all confusion. Not the captors, my washerwomen, little lads are we..._"

She stopped for a moment as though listening and then continued on. Moving in light steps, almost dancing, River floated around the vampire, one hand drifting over her tuxedo jacket. Within the circle Mal turned with her, watching the stranger warily as that sing song voice continued.

"_Ancient one who carries many stories. Walked the world you did. Travelled the river, slow moving but quick changing. Took the shilling. Went to war. Little lads together you were, many threads woven into strong cloth. One with mind aflame, surrounded by guarded walls and her watcher who will never sleep. The gentle one, so small, following faithfully wherever the voice leads her. This one carved in stone but agile?" _She threw Mal a puzzled look_. "A doctor, always helping. One who was strong for two, a child within._"

She came to a halt between the intruder and the crew. "All behind masks_._"

Mal looked across to her. "Yes."

"_She led you_." River smiled at what she saw. "_All chasing the golden girl, you more than most_." She paused, making sense of new information. "_She leads you even now_."

Mal hadn't moved. "Yes."

Ignoring her brothers voiced protests the petite girl stepped forward again placing a steadying hand on Mal's arm. River struggled for a moment, trying to make sense of the jumbled words in her head. When the words did come, her voice was calm.

"She wouldn't want you to."

Mal thought for a moment before relaxing her stance just a fraction.

"No. She wouldn't want me to."

She placed both hands on River's shoulders, halting the girl's fidgets. Looking deeply into her eyes she said seriously "tell me the truth now."

"They are my washerwoman, my _jia tzu_, _my big damn heroes._"

Mal held her a moment longer, seeming as though she were trying to read something off the back of her head and then relaxed, letting the girl go and slipping her own hands into her pockets. Looking up and noting all the weaponry pointed in her direction she broke into a sheepish grin.

"Terribly sorry." She shrugged. "I think perhaps I got the wrong idea."

Still none the wiser about what had just gone on the weapon holders didn't blink or lower their aim. The tableau broke however, when Simon grabbed for River and she went easily, to cling close and whisper reassuring nonsense into his ear.

Book spoke first. "All very interesting. It seems our visitor has been weighed in the balance and found acceptable. What happens now?"

Jayne grunted and kept his gun pointed at what Mal couldn't help noticing was a very valued part of her anatomy. Not everyone was as accepting of River's interview technique it appeared. Perhaps she ought to put her hands up again? But despite all the negative feelings being sent her way Mal kept her hands in her pockets, it made it so much easier to slouch in the blasé yet non-the-less utterly cool style she was currently exhibiting for her captive audience.

"_Coffea Arabica_. Not Present. Ships inventory lacks vital components." River turned from Simon, her features creased by worry. But their visitor waved a nonchalant hand.

"It's ok kid, I'll manage."

The crew looked from River to Maladict and back in confusion.

"You can understand her?" Jayne's brow creased as he attempted to process another new thought.

"It's not so hard." Mal flashed River a smile. "I've met crazy little girls before. At least this one isn't suffering from religious mania. The last one wanted us to invade a country for her." She paused, realising they wouldn't know what she was talking about and not wanting to tell the whole long story, summarised instead. "It didn't go so well."

"How about you tell us what's going on then?" The fact that the visitor had an odd tale didn't faze Zoe, she had met enough people with strange stories that "didn't go so well" -it was a downside of hanging out with the Cap'n for any length of time. Her main priority now was working out where Serenity's captain had disappeared to and getting him home again before he got into too much trouble. She gestured with the gun toward the stairs and the light streaming from the doorway above.

"It'll all sound a bit weird."

"She came out of a _box_." Jayne commented, jerking his head toward River.

~X~

* * *

I got my phrases from (apologies if any of them are terribly out of place)

_Gwai-gwai long duh dong – what the hell?_

_hu wai yun dong - outdoor sports; outdoor games_

_huey – general term for plants_

_jia tzu – clan/family_

_jio jing – alcohol _

_jun ren - soldier, serviceman, military personnel_

_wei fong - imposing; awe-inspiring; majestic-looking; majestic and awe-inspiring_

_

* * *

_

River's song is taken from _"The Vampire" (Buffy Sainte-Marie, 1969)_

_Shall I tell you of the night  
It was long ago  
Late November and the snow  
just about to fall _

_and the moon was big and bright  
cold and sharp and clear  
and the air was biting_

_Softly, swiftly down the road -  
never mad a sound-  
someone came from far away_

_As I looked into his eyes  
no reflections came  
and I gave him bedding_

_Oh my little rosary  
how I miss you so  
Never used you very well  
now I never will._

_I am farther from you now~  
than the two ends of Eternity  
Now I do his bidding._


	2. Remember, No One Can Hear You Scream

**Remember, No One Can Hear You Scream...**

"Don't steal that."

"What?"

Malcolm Reynolds had practiced that look of affronted innocence on everyone from Zoe to Book. Only Simon had ever fallen for it, and that only until Kaylee had told him what to look out for. Polly fell into the top half of the class, she'd not even had to see his attention skip away from the conversation they were having to pick up on his sudden interest. Sighing as she realised he was a hopeless case, she picked up the shiny tempting thing from the work bench in front of him and slipped it into a drawer, turning the key.

"What did I say? No stealing, no fighting and… "

"No talking to whores, I know."

She frowned at him.

"And no trying to look hurt and miserable cos I won't let you play with any of the wizard stuff. You break something here, it's not just explosions, it'll be the whole fabric of time and space going through the wringer and evil things from the dungeon dimensions coming through the walls."

"Really?"

"I dunno." She shrugged, indicating the funny dressed youths chanting behind her. "That's what they say. Didn't happen last time, but they do go on about it. Anyone would think they put the fabric of time and space through the wringer every Saturday night just for kicks."

~X~

Maladict wrapped her hands more tightly around the steaming mug and tried once again to explain about non consensual trans-dimensional time jumps and the kinks that the fabric of space time could develop when it wasn't washed with conditioner as per the manufacturer's instructions. The tea that the beautiful one had made for her was all very well but it didn't match up to a well brewed cup of espresso. Plus she was worried there was some hidden meaning in her acceptance of it as now Inara was looking at her with great interest in those deep eyes.

"So the first time you came through there were vampires and werewolves and ghosts?"

Kaylee's eyes sparkled above her meal. Maladict had been telling them about her adventures in Bristol, and as a sideline reassuring them that their Mal would be returned to them in the very near future. Once Kaylee had got over the fact of the Captain's disappearance and twisted her brain around the fact of other dimensions and universes she'd revealed a bright interest in all things inter-dimensional. Mal was struggling to keep up and was more than pleased to be interrupted by the boisterous arrival of their pilot, Wash, the owner of the disembodied voice that had startled her earlier (she made a note to talk to the Igors about this new fangled thing called "radio" when she got back). He bounced in, grabbed his wife, a bowl of food and a chair in that order and jumped into the conversation without appearing to need the introductions she'd been forced to go through with the other many, many members of this crew.

"Vampires? It's like..."

"Dear…" Zoe shot her husband a warning look and he sighed in long suffering fashion.

"Yes I know, science fiction, living on a space ship, yadda yadda." He seemed to notice the chunk of protein grasped in the chopsticks he'd been using to illustrate his point and stuffed it into his mouth.

Chewing industrially he pointed the now empty chopsticks at Maladict, waiting until he'd managed to get the odd food they ate here into some kind of swallowable order before asking "so, this transportation, does it hurt?"

"No, tickles a bit, but doesn't hurt."

Mal had quickly decided she liked Wash. He wasn't one of the ones that had pointed a weapon at her for a start and that gave him plenty of points in the positive side of his character sheet.

"And does it happen to anyone but you?"

Not that we know of."

"Odd."

"You have indeed been chosen for a difficult service." Book, who'd kept quiet until this moment letting Kaylee ask all the questions, finally joined the conversation.

"Not going to try and save me holy man?"

Kaylee reaching forward for her beaker smiled at the older man sitting beside her. "He don't sermonise much these days. I think we've more likely evangelised him to our ways."

Book leant back in his chair shaking his head at the little mechanic; his smile though was definitely directed down the table towards their visitor. "Oh I think someone's already got _you_ well in hand."

"_Strange fancies…. You gave your word, must not be proven false… It was the only way, to 'list as a soldier, and follow your love…"_

Mal blinked. She hadn't felt _that_ one. Usually the weight of someone walking through a mind would leave footprints, shallow impressions that her highly attuned senses should pick up. But this girl just drifted through her mind like dandelion seeds on the wind, completely undetectable.

"River." Simon leant over to give his sister a warning glance. "Behave please. Eat your dinner."

"Don't want it." The child genius of great maturity stuck out her tongue.

"But it's lovely _tasty_ protein!" Wash leant forward into the light and made his best "_yum yum_" face causing Kaylee to giggle behind her chop-sticks.

"Don't like it." She pushed away her plate. "Wanna sausage inna bun… _tu'ferdolla… an' that's cuttin'myown throat._"

"River?" Inara put down her implements to lean over the table and place a quietening hand over the girl's nervous fingers. River jumped back, her knees knocking into the table sending the dishes shivering.

"Crazy's really going some tonight." Jayne's grumble was more because she'd spilt his food when she'd bashed the table than any surprise at her behaviour.

"I'm sorry." Mal pushed back her chair. "I think she's picking up stuff out of my dimension." She stood, aiming to get out of there. River was mixed up enough without anything Mal had seen in her long life added to her photo album of unpleasant images. There must be somewhere else she could wait.

"You stay here. Aint no call for you to go off wanderin' about the ship with no eyes on you. We've had trouble enough from scrawny folk before." Zoe waited and after a short battle of wills Mal returned to her seat. It was a fair enough point, Polly would never allow suspect persons to wander freely around the camp. She would just have to attempt to close the kid out of her mind.

"_Grit-sucker…"_

"What'd she call me?" The big mercenary made as though to get up.

"Jayne! Enough. Everyone can just sit down and eat their dinner or go without."

Jayne grumbled, River stuck out her tongue at him whilst poking insipidly at the protein chunks left on her plate and Wash turned to Mal and asked another polite question about the elephants.

~X~

"So then Mal says - _You and whose army?_"

"Never a good opening gambit."

"No. But I've been told it's occasionally very hard to resist." Catching his eye Polly shrugged, breaking into that soft smile he had noted crept over her face whenever she made reference to a certain annoying vampire that she had designated a weight around her neck.

They were leaning on the guard rail outside the High Energy Magic building, the industrial clanking and occasional swearing drifting out from the half opened door behind them providing soothing background music to their conversation. She'd not wanted to wander too far away from the source of activity and so when Ponder had thrown the pair of them out for being unable to prevent the Good Captain Reynolds from pressing interesting looking buttons **[1]** they'd settled here to watch the lights of the city outclass the faint twinkles from the sky above.

"So then what happened?" They'd been trading stories back and forth for over an hour now. Mal had heard a revised version of a border incursion gone wrong ("so they said _thanks very much for saving the country, here are your lieutenant bars, this never happened and please never ever mention it again_") and had in turn shared some of the lighter moments of his service. Neither of them had mentioned what happened when a battle was lost or a skirmish went wrong. There was no need to spoil the peace talking about things both of them knew nothing could ever change.

"Hmm?" Wherever she'd been in her thoughts must have been interesting cos she came back to him blushing. "Oh, the standoff. Well, there was your usual posturing and then just when it looked like the 12 of us were going to have to take on the whole battalion the rest of our army came over the hill and everyone decided now might be a good time to discuss their options with someone further up the chain of command."

She stretched, looking over her shoulder to see if the clanking and swearing had borne fruit yet. Apparently by the shouted order to "Stay Out and keep that Pirate away from my intricate machinery!" they were still in the midst of something complicated.

"Mal likes to tell it differently though." She settled back on her elbows beside him. "According to my Sergeant, it was only by the fearsomeness of brave dialogue and then the strength of firm posture that drove the threat from Borogravia."

"Really?"

"Really." She met his raised eyebrow with her most serious expression, though the devils dancing in those blue eyes did their best to give her away. "You'd be surprised how many rascals have been driven back from the fair borders of my country by the mere effrontery of Sergeant Maladict."

_But not you_ he thought to himself and hoped the wizards behind him got a move on. He wanted to get home right enough, but he was also coming to realise that provoking the wrath of a certain Maladict by separating Lieutenant and Sergeant might be even worse than being trapped in the wrong dimension for ever more.

* * *

**[1] **Apparently HEX would never be the same again, though Polly would have thought the wizards would have explained the concept of the birds and bees to him a long time ago.

* * *

~X~

"So, what do you do over there? In your universe I mean?"

Dinner was long over but none of the crew seemed to have anywhere better to be and so had remained, sprawled out around the table, restful poses speaking of full bellies and the quiet joy of comfortable relaxation after a long day. As she let her gaze drift over the delicately painted flowers stencilled into the walls, the lovingly applied paint glowing in the soft light, Mal could feel the hours of laughter and tale-spinning that over many months had seeped into these bulkheads. She glanced over at River and saw recognition in the eyes that flicked to hers before darting away. The others might know they felt comfortable here, but River, like Mal, could taste the colours diffusing into the room, weaving between the crew as they flicked leftover crumbs at each other and squabbled over whose turn it was to do the dishes.

Wash had slid back into his seat, placing the steaming mug of tea in front of his wife and Mal, realising he'd asked a question drew her unravelling threads of thought back into some kind of order.

"I'm in the army." There was an awkward pause. "We're mainly called in to border disputes, Botogravia's a small country, somebody sneezes too violently and it's an invasion."

She felt the tension bleed out of the moment as the laughter bounced round the table and made a note to keep away from war stories in the future.

"And so you're some big wig over there?" Wash was looking at her tuxedo.

"Nah. I'm a lowly sergeant me, best rank there is. I've not got a bad officer; it's a small enough squad to know everyone's got your back. We make do."

"…_sweet Polly Oliver lay musing in bed…"_

Mal jerked, her tea cup chinking against the saucer. She tried to cover it up by placing the cup on the table, hoping that it might appear she had just misjudged the distance. But catching Inara's knowing gaze as she looked up again she could feel the blush spilling out over her cheeks. Damn this living with humans, it was only since she'd been hanging out with the dratted species for so long that she'd somehow discovered an unknown capacity for blushing.

"River." Kaylee frowned at the younger girl's gleeful expression. "Play nice now."

Wash attempted to move them away from boggy ground. "Do you they call you sir? Mal likes it when we call him sir."

"They do if they know what's good for them." She smiled and the conversation moved on.

It was Jayne who eventually interrupted them. He'd been banished from the dining room almost immediately after the meal for persistent non-understanding and associated annoying questions. Zoe had sent him down to the cargo bay to get on with tying down the cargo that had still not been fixed since this whole thing started.

"Zoe! Something _goram yi_ is happening! You might wanna get down here _shyun_."

Mal took the stairs three at a time, falling to her knees before the sparkly blue light that had materialised in the middle of the cargo bay.

"Polly? Polly I'm sorry! I didn't do it I swear! I haven't even pissed off any wizards lately!"

"_Mal?"_ The voice that came out of the Portal was unfamiliar to all of them apart from one, who rejoiced to hear it.

"Yup?"

"_Shut up."_

"Shutting up right now Liutenant."

Zoe stepped forward, hand to her holster. "Cap'n? You there?"

"_All shiny over here Zoe."_

There was a harrumphing sound and a rustling such as might be caused by someone pushing aside two interested parties in order to reach an important console.

"Excellent, now that we've all said '_Hello'_ perhaps we can get on with it. _Pull that lever please_…"

Before their eyes the light increased in diameter until there was a four foot hole turning slowly in the air. The unknown voice confirmed that the portal was stable and advised them to be quick.

"_Ok, so you get what to do?"_ Polly's voice drifted through, though she was talking quietly.

"_I get it, I get it."_ Captain Reynolds was eager to get home where men didn't wear quite so unfashionable dresses.

"_Mal?"_ Polly raised her voice to reach over the crackling that was getting more intense.

"Still here!"

"_Ready?"_

"Poised and prepared!"

"_On 3 then."_ The unknown voice broke in: "_One_"

"_Two_." Polly, Maladict and the Captain Reynolds counted together.

"_Three_!"

As the entire crew of Serenity shouted the number, Sergeant Maladict dived through the glowing portal. There was a flash of bright blue light that left them all blinking and when they could see again they saw a very naked Captain Reynolds curled up on the deck plating hands clasped to a vital part of his anatomy.

Mal tumbled through into Polly's waiting arms. Looking down she discovered that it was as she had feared and swore.

"Damnit! _Naked Again_! Why does this always happen to me Pol?"

"I think m'darlin, it's not you _per se_, it's just that the fans demand it." Polly gently wrapped Mal's shivering form in the Opera cloak she'd remembered to collect from the coat clerk at the ball.

"Whu? That suit was ruddy expensive!" Pulling the cloak tighter around Mal bent her best scowl on the hovering wizards.

"I think… well I think it might be for the fans of the other places you go to. I think it's a side effect of the people we swap back needing to be nekkid for the girly fans to squeal over."

Polly scrabbled back as Mal exploded and on the other side of a now safely sealed portal River Tam sang quietly to herself about little soldier boys as the Captain of Serenity scrabbled crabwise towards the promise of clothing muttering to his laughing crew about the effects of the chill of space on bodily appendages.

~X~

* * *

I got my Chinese phrases _off-of-the-internet_ and I apologise if any of them are too odd/incorrect.

_goram – goddamn_

_shyun - prompt; quick; swift; rapid; speedy_

_yi - different; peculiar; strange; uncommon; extraordinary_

* * *

River makes reference to the opening verse of the old English Folk song "_Sweet Polly Oliver_"

_As sweet Polly Oliver lay musing in bed,_

_A sudden strange fancy came into her head._

_"Nor father nor mother shall make me false prove,_

_I'll 'list as a soldier, and follow my love."_


End file.
